Fear
by evitascarlett
Summary: An Apologize Deleted Scene: Fear clawed at Jim; suffocating him, his breathing erratic; it was just a nightmare…it had to be. There was no way that he had imagined it all…Johanna was there, all he had to do was look and he'd see her…but he was too afraid to be proven wrong.


_Authors Note: I want to thank all of you for your reviews for my deleted scenes so far! I really enjoy getting to put these out there as little bonuses to Apologize; there's so many things that I hated to have to leave out._

 _This scene would've taken place in Chapter 34 of Apologize during the night that Johanna spent at home (finally) for her wedding anniversary._

Fear – Deleted Scene

Jim jerked awake, his eyes wide as he stared into the darkness of the bedroom, a cold sweat clinging to his skin as his heart hammered against his ribs. A nightmare, he told himself as he tried to slow his breathing. It was just a nightmare…at least he hoped to God it was only a nightmare…but it had seemed entirely too real. It couldn't be real though, he reasoned, his chest tight, anguish clawing at his throat.

He had dreamed that Johanna was really gone…that he had awoke calling out for her only to have his daughter appear and remind him that his wife was gone…forever. Jim's stomach knotted and turned nauseous just as it had in January of 1999 as he recalled more of the dream. He had argued with Kate, telling her that he knew Johanna was alive; begging her to tell him where she was. His daughter had been relentless in her mission to convince him that he was wrong, even going as far as to produce witnesses to the fact.

But he wasn't wrong…was he? Of course not, Jim told himself. Johanna was alive. She was right there in bed with him. Kate had brought her home for an overnight visit for their anniversary. If he just turned over, he'd see her there in the place she belonged. She was there; she had to be. They had dinner together. He had slipped her wedding ring back on her finger. They had exchanged gifts. They had danced in the kitchen. He had led her to their bedroom and laid her down in their bed and made love to her. He had fallen asleep with her head against his chest, his arms wrapped around her. He couldn't have imagined all of that, could he? It just wasn't possible to imagine all of that…and yet even as he thought it, he knew that he had indeed had dreams like that before.

Fear clawed at him, suffocating him, his breathing still erratic. "Just turn over and you'll see her," he said to himself but he couldn't. He was too afraid that he'd be proven wrong; that her side of the bed would be empty. He wasn't a man given to tears but he felt the sting of moisture in his eyes. Oh he had cried when he had lost her, in fact he was sure he had cried enough to end a drought somewhere in the world. He could even admit that he had shed a few tears the night he found out she was alive. He wouldn't allow it to happen now though. Johanna was there…he had just turned onto his side that was all. The loss of contact had spurred the dream.

But Jim didn't move. He just couldn't bring himself to look. He thought about reaching behind him in search of her but his hands remained still. What if she had moved enough to put herself out of his reach? It was a torment he couldn't bear. Jim squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them, squinting into the darkness. A few dim shafts of moonlight slipped between the slats of the blinds and he thought he could make out the shape of a high heel lying on the floor but he couldn't be sure. He thought he smelled her perfume and soap but that could be wishful thinking. She was there, she had to be…if only he wasn't so afraid to check and see. An anguished growl tore from his throat without notice…but the sound had clearly disturbed someone as he felt the mattress shift…the tangled sheets moving against his skin as the person sharing his bed turned toward him. A soft hand fell against his arm, making his heart thud.

"Jim," Johanna whispered sleepily.

Relief coursed through his body like a dam that had broken free and he turned toward her with lightning speed, his hands reaching for her. His fingers skimmed along her face, moving down her neck and shoulders and down her arms, giving into the desperate need to touch…to assure himself that she was indeed flesh and bone.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He couldn't seem to find his voice as he studied her in the darkness, wishing that the candles hadn't burned themselves out. "Jim?" she murmured; her hand caressing his face.

"I'm…I'm alright," he replied as he looked into her worried face.

"You don't seem alright."

His heart rate was returning to normal now that he knew for sure that it had only been a nightmare and his breathing fell back into its slower pattern. Johanna moved away from him long enough to turn on the lamp. "Tell me what's wrong," she beckoned as she returned to him.

"It was just a bad dream," he remarked as he sat up on the side of the bed and grabbed his pants from the floor and pulled them on.

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom; I'll be back."

Jim took a few steadying breaths as he made the trek to the bathroom and once he was behind the closed door of the room, he filled the sink with cold water and splashed it on his face. He had to get a hold of himself; it had been a nightmare, nothing more, and given the circumstances it wasn't all that surprising that it had occurred. He was awake now, his wife was with him…she was in their bed waiting for him and their time shouldn't be squandered. Johanna would be back at Katie's the next day and he didn't know when she'd get to occupy their bed again. He had to let this go, everything was fine…everything _would_ be fine.

He grabbed a wash cloth and dipped it into the cold water and then washed away the sheen of sweat that was clinging to his face and chest. When he finished, he took a few more steadying breaths and then made his way back to the bedroom, still feeling somewhat shaken but more in control of himself. Entering the room he saw that Johanna had slipped into his light blue dress shirt that had been lying on the floor.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jim answered as he sat down on the bed. The dream was gone but that suffocating cloud of fear was still hovering over him despite the fact that Johanna was so near, his eyes drinking in the sight of her and her scent filling his senses. The fear would ease as soon as he allowed himself to relax, he told himself as he took another calming breath before meeting his wife's worried gaze.

"I'm sorry I woke you," he murmured.

Johanna gave a soft shake of her head. "I don't care about that."

"I do," he replied; pulling her close, needing the reassurance of her body against his. "This is the first time you've gotten to sleep in our bed since you've been home…I want it to be good for you. I…"

"Shhh," she said softly; "It is good to be in our bed again…better than you can imagine. Do you want to talk about your dream?"

"No; I just want to forget it happened."

She eyed him knowingly. "It was about me, wasn't it?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'd just rather forget it. This is our night…"

Johanna moved away from him and turned off the light and then returned to his side. She had a pretty good idea what his dream might have entailed even if he didn't say a word about it…because she could see it clearly in his eyes; a mixture of fear and desperation. She knew from the way he reacted to her voice and her touch, the way his hands moved over her, reassuring himself of her presence. If he didn't want to talk it through, and she could understand why he wouldn't want to, she could at least make it go away for him as he had so often made her dreams go away for her.

Her fingertips grazed his face soothingly. "You're right, this is our night," she murmured before her lips captured his. "Bad dreams aren't allowed here tonight…only good ones."

"Is that right?" he asked as she gently pushed him back against his pillow.

"That's right," she whispered, shifting her body over his, planting a knee on either side of his hips as she caught his mouth in another kiss.

"You're the boss, Mrs. Beckett," Jim remarked, allowing a touch of lightness to creep into his tone.

"Don't forget it."

"Never," he whispered. He knew what she was doing, she was going to make him forget; make that cloud of fear dissipate and fade away into nothingness like it had never even been there. He hadn't told her what the dream was about but she seemed to know. She always knew…and she always knew what course of action to take…just like now. Every caress of her soft hands was an assurance that she was there. Every fiery kiss pressed against his skin was proof of their new reality. The sassy sparkle in her eyes told the story of just how alive she was. His fingers tangled in her hair, urging her to return to his lips.

A soft seductive smile graced her lips as she tore them away from the path she had trailing down his chest and she taunted him with soft kisses against his neck and jaw, temporarily resisting his attempts to claim her lips.

"You play dirty," he muttered.

"But you like it," she whispered; amusement in her tone as her mouth grazed the shell of his ear.

Jolts of desire rolled through him; fears forgotten as he finally managed to guide her lips to his, capturing them in searing kisses as the world and their problems fell away; the only thing mattering was his need for her as his hand slipped between them and flicked open the buttons of the shirt she had pulled on.

"I'm taking that as a yes," his wife murmured as he slid the shirt from her shoulders and down her arms.

"Hasn't it always been a yes?" Jim asked; tossing the garment back to the floor. "And you just leave that on the floor this time."

"What if I get cold?" she asked; his mouth landing against her neck.

"Don't you worry about that, sweetheart," he replied huskily as he caught her off guard and rolled her over, making her giggle in the process. "I'll keep you warm."

* * *

Later on as they laid together in the darkness beneath the wrinkled sheets, Johanna lifted her head from its resting place on Jim's chest and glanced at him. She smiled at his sleepy expression, her hand caressing his chest.

"How do you feel now, honey?" she murmured, brushing her lips against his jaw line as her fingers moved and trailed along his face.

A soft grin curved his mouth upwards, his heavy eyelids struggling to stay open. "Never better," he answered.

A quiet laugh tumbled from her lips before she kissed him tenderly. "I'm glad I haven't lost my touch."

He gave a shake of his head. "You never have to worry about that, sweetheart."

"That's good to know."

His hand moved slowly against her bare back as it traveled upwards, his fingers gliding along the slope of her neck before burying themselves in her dark hair. Applying gentle pressure, he guided her head back to his chest.

Johanna settled against him once more, pressing a kiss against the beat of his heart as it sounded against her ear. "Sweet dreams, darling," she murmured; her fingertips softly rubbing against his side in soothing comfort.

A sleepy incoherent mumble was her response and she smiled as she breathed in his scent, his strong steady heartbeat lulling her. Her eyelids fluttered a few times before she allowed them to slide shut, secure in the knowledge that she had chased away the demons of his dreams for the night.


End file.
